No sooner had I recovered from the departure of Adam, when later in the day I got a phone call from Ontario Bloodhound Rescue. The thing with me and the internet is, I don't spend a heck of a lot of time here but when I do, I do all sorts of things that I can't remember that later show up as commitments I've made - or packages I've bought. I had no recollection of applying to foster with this agency so was surprised when I picked up a phone and heard that they had a dog that needed a home. Her name is Dixie and she is somewhere between 6-8 years old (a senior in Bloodhound years) and was picked up as a stray. The woman I spoke to explained that she thought Dixie was a good match for me because she was older and had a lot less of the high energy spunk that BH puppies have.
She is described as a non-dominant, friendly, and gentle old lady who would be a perfect match for me in terms of mobility and training etc.
Understandably I am a little weary of committing to another friend so soon after what was a harrowing first foster experience. Also, in keeping with the title, she is a BIG dog weighing in at around 80lbs.
That was Saturday and she is still on my mind a few days later. My partner is not keen on the idea of taking in someone else right now because of fairly practical reasons. Money and energy; cats; upcoming holidays; uncertain job future (for me). All good reasons to think this over, politely decline the offer and revisit it in the new year.
But, well I don't like to wait.
So much of my life is relentlessly planned and thought over. I look at all of the angles and consider different outcomes if something should change. I do a lot of justifying in these planning stages. For example, I recently bought a pair of pink, leather, lady-shoes that tie with a silky ribbon. They were Fluevogs, which, if you don't know what they are just imagine weirdly beautiful expensive shoes.
My reasoning? I was going to a wedding and was wearing a pink dress and that, as a queer femme it would be wrong for me not to own a really girly pair of shoes.
Seriously.
So although all the logic says to stop myself and get my shit together before I do this - I feel firmly tugged in the other direction. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in the earlier post but in addition to the aforementioned anxiety I also live with a chronic pain condition and dysthymic depression. What this means is that I am a little bit sad, a little bit sore, and a little bit tired most of the time with frequent flares of my symptoms.
With winter coming up, I am beginning to get fearful of the drastic change in my mood that comes with darker days and cold temperatures. Last year was the worst winter I've had in terms of depression. Even now I feel like I lost December through March.
The difference I feel in my mind and body when I get to interact with animals is pretty drastic. I take a lot of comfort in the relationships I have with the animals in my life, in particular my darling felines Pika and Sydney. My interest in dogs isn't a slap to my cats at all, they just feel different. If I could have my perfect life I would be surrounded with loved ones both human and animal.
The way dogs react to their people is so comforting, grounding, and honest, at least for me.
So, yes perhaps I shouldn't throw myself into a dog relationship right now. But the thing is, so many of my micro-managed plans end up bursting and setting me back a couple of steps. I become so attached to the idea of perfection that when it goes wrong, it completely derails me. I have lost my trust in my own instincts. But right now, my instincts are telling me to trust them and dive into something that may have challenges but will also be so good.
Dive in and figure it out.
That is what my friend Sarah advised when I asked for her dog life tips. She has one of the coolest companions. LoganDog is a 7yr old Golden Retriever with a wicked sense of fashion and more love than one body can hold. They met when he was just a puppy and have been best friends ever since. It was conversations with Sarah that got me thinking about going for something I want and figuring it out after.
Nothing is in stone yet, but I will keep you updated.
xom
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